Sigh.

It’s Monday morning, and a thought occurs to me. I need to get laid. I’m really frustrated at this topic of marriage that I’ve been on for the last couple of days. It’s been a Pandora’s Box of sorts for me. I had no idea my parent’s divorce bothered me this much. Honestly, I just had no clue that all these years later, it was an issue. I think we do this to ourselves sometimes, just shut the box, and walk away. You know, save ourselves mentally/emotionally.
I’ll be doing some thinking on this myself, but for myself. I always thought I was happy they split, but I never saw the connection between a few things that happened then, and some feelings I have about the world now. I won’t be discussing it anymore for awhile, but that’s just how it goes. Ultimately, a good thing to be aware of, no doubt. I pride myself on being hyperaware of myself emotionally, being able to get a grip and self-analyse, but whew, once in a while a shock rolls along and this is that. There’s probably some dead-mom issues rolled up in it, hence why I’ve been getting kind of militant on the topic.
I’m not too crazy about acting militant, either, so.
However, the real world beckons, in far too many ways. Right now, I’m staring down the barrel of another couple weeks of work without reprieve. I may cancel something this coming weekend if my sanity continues to deteriorate, but I live the kind of life right now where work comes in droves, or not at all, and the notion of “time management” is as ironic as it is impossible. It’s time to end this shit and get back into the 9-5 for mental stability and, hey, maybe even a social life! But obviously one doesn’t snap fingers and see a presto-chango-better life result. That said, finding work has never been that hard for me, just a matter of whether the job I want is out there. Fact is, I know I’ll have a job I like before summer rolls around — and that’s all that matters. Summertime Steff needs stability and lotsa cash in her pockets.
I’ll probably post something tomorrow about a conversation I’ll be having with a doc about getting an IUD. I’ve been on the pill for a few months now, having quit it a few years back when it was doing strange things to me, and I’ve been unhappy with it ever since. In fact, I went completely nuts when estrogen sent me into la-la-land back in October, and I’m longing to be back to my old self. Granted, it’s been a lot better since October, when I switched to low-dose Alesse, but I have to confess: my sensitive regions aren’t as sensitive as they used to be. It’s wrong to lose sensitivity on the vagina or any other place. What fun is masturbation? Anyhow, I’ll report on the conversation and maybe share some enlightenment for those considering the same move. The pill sucks, man. Jesus.

6 thoughts on “Sigh.

  1. Laura

    Those pills can really fuck you up, so maybe they are the reason you feel so bad about your parents?

    Hope things work out for you anyway. Getting laid is a good place to go – always helps to bring out femininity and inner strength, etc. At least for me πŸ˜‰

    Reply
  2. mhorts

    Steff,

    I need to get laid too. Unfortunately, your marriage advice came 16 years too late for me. Oh well, maybe in the next life. πŸ˜€

    Keep writing, even if it isn’t about marriage. Checking your blog and finding new entries is one of the high points of my day.

    Reply
  3. Anonymous

    From Ottawa

    First of all, love your blog.

    Recently, a male friend of my said that there is a new birth control pills for the males. The pills are suppose to stop the production of sperms. I wonder if that’s true.

    Reply
  4. tom joad

    All medication sucks, legal or otherwise. They do some good but they do some bad too. I took Statins for a couple of years. That was fine…until the headaches started. Geez!!! If I knew then what I know now I would have just skipped the damn things.

    In the end there is no easy answer. I guess the IUD is better by degrees. But it is all gut check time if you ask me.

    I love the blog, really. It is smooth, adult, real, with little baggage. Pretty neat.

    Tom Joad

    Reply
  5. scribe called steff

    Laura — Nah, I think I have the pills pretty much under control. It’s a couple things, one, 30 days of rain broken by one cloudy day and back to pissing rain again today, with the forecast for two more weeks of it is a nail in my emotional coffin. I’m ALWAYS seasonally affected, and it’s just kicking my ass right now, that’s all.

    Two, I haven’t been exercising — and partially on doc’s orders, since I’ve only been well for a few days after 3+ weeks out of it, and now I’m staring down the barrel of 3 weeks consecutive of work every day, and NO, I don’t like what I’m doing right now, so that doesn’t help.

    And three, seriously, I realized a couple of things that has me kind of shaken to the core. Long-time forgettings that are just being re-evaluated. I have a history of being a strong chick, from when I was a kid straight through to now, but with strength and independence can come ignorance sometimes when we choose to ignore things we think won’t impact us when we stuff it in the closet. Me, I do not shy away from something when I realize it’s hitting me, and right now, this topic is. But I don’t have it in me to sit down and tear it apart. This is something I wrote dealing with my mom’s death last summer, and it honestly was the first time in six years I’d really confronted a few things, and that’s what I want to write about the marriage, something really honest like that. It started with my remembrance of something she’d said when I wrote about my preteen encounter of her and my dad fucking, and it’s been snowballing since. Maybe in the morning, with a pot of coffee. Hmm.

    Mhorts — Thanks. I like being a high point. Flattering. πŸ™‚

    Anonymous — Thanks for the compliment. Yeah, I think there’s supposed to be something for men, but without sounding like I’m man-bashing, I got to tell you, I don’t know many chicks who’d trust a GUY to take the birth control. WE”RE the ones who have to deal with the fall-out, and most chicks think guys are somewhat unreliable. I know, newsflash, but really. It’s not an anti-men thing, it’s just reality. Guys have other concerns. Where I think that pill would have any application would be in the situation where a woman is a) allergic to condoms, and b) in a long-term relationship with the guy, and c) trusts him, and the trust is mutual.

    Most of the time, though, chicks would think, “He can’t remember my fucking birthday, and he’s supposed to remember the pill every single day? Yeah, RIGHT.”

    We are a skeptical, cynical breed at times. Them’s the facts.

    Tom Joad — Well, I still like my marijuana, I’m just taking a hiatus from being stupid for awhile. I don’t even take Tylenol most of the time, I keep it simple. Birth control pills offer some advantages to us girls, though, and the number one advantage comes in the form of regulating periods. I presume you’ve never had a period, luck you, and you can’t possibly know what it’s like to a) get surprised by a period that shows up a couple days early, or b) have to deal with really severe cramps, or c) deal with PMS — which is something I’d like to write about sometime soon so guys can get a perspective of the mental shit that goes on — you think we’re nuts then? Trust me, we fucking hate the moods that come with it, and if you think the defense of PMS for committing murder is ludicrous, then you’ve never felt the rage that can come from that, or d) a period that lasts a full seven days.

    Much as I hate the pill, there’s something to be said for a two-day period versus seven, and a more sedate PMS mode. The downside, well, lessened genital sensitivity SUCKS, and also, a slightly sedated emotional range. Things still get moody and bad, but much less so, but the joys seem to be a little quelled too — but that could be this winter, which has not been a great one in my books. πŸ™‚

    Anyhow, yeah, thanks for the positivity. Whee!

    Reply

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