Category Archives: Orgasm Trouble

Unleashing Your Vixen: Moves From the Bottom

Woman on Bottom bravely asked a few of those questions most women don’t ask because they’re too embarrassed. How does a woman, under her lover, get involved and change the pace of things when he’s thrusting away? And also, does a Vixen’s role change when it’s lovemaking as opposed to fucking, and vice versa?
Let’s tackle part two first. The difference between “lovemaking” and “fucking” is a mood, an edge. Fucking’s when animalism comes out to play. It’s when the emotions hit a fever pitch. Lovemaking’s true intimacy and tends to be more about exploring your lover (if you’re doing it right, that is) and expressing how you feel. Now, this is very much in theory. I don’t know about your lovelife, but those distinctions apply well to mine.
So, then, here’s the thing. You do the same stuff. It’s not that complicated. It’s just about the edge and how hard you go for it — so to speak.
For fucking, you bite a little more, a little harder. You dig your heels deeper, your fingernails scratch harder. You thrust or squeeze or whatever you do, faster, harder, and more greedily. It’s a mood thing. The actions are essentially all the same.
It’s kind of the difference between pedalling a bike along a nice, flat seashore, and taking in all the scenery, working consistently and over a long period, versus getting that bike up a monster hill with the sweating, teeth-gritting, and panting that comes with it. You go with the mood.
I really don’t think you need to worry too much about changing things up. Learn to just go with the moment. And if you apply the wrong amount of intensity, who cares? So you’ve gotten a little overeager in lovemaking and it switches gears a little to some down’n’dirty fucking. Is that really so wrong? Stop overthinking it. Go with it. Feel the moment and see where it takes you.
Odds are, accidentally switching to fucking from lovemaking will leave you both spent and laughing and thrilled. Hardly an unfortunate accident.
All right. Back to the beginning.

He’s over you, in you, on you. Thrusting. His eyes are closed, he’s concentrating, keeping his rhythm, and he’s used to you doing this – very, very little – so he’s not really too worried about you. Occasionally he plants a kiss on your neck, a token reminder that in other galaxies, in alter-existences, this tango would be danced by two. He continues thrusting, biting on his bottom lip now, clenching his eyes shut, maybe imagining what it would be like if you suddenly couldn’t get enough of him, and you start to think, “Geez. It’d be nice if I felt a little more involved. What should I do first?”

The easiest thing to do is always to start nibbling on his neck, biting, sucking, and nibbling on his neck. Keep it light and simple – hickeys are fun for folks who can get away with it, but are a real pain in the ass when we can’t, and I’m speaking from experience, when a hickey caused a world of grief for me at work. After all, that’s why we wear shirts: Put the fucking hickey on the shoulder, on the chest, on the ass, anywhere you want, but think twice about the neck.
Don’t spend too long on the neck, if shifting the mood’s what you want to do. Begin sinking your teeth into his shoulder, biting a bit.
While you’re dining on Grade-A shoulder, you can reach around him. Press your palms flat on his shoulderblades and drive your hands firmly, with an awful lot of friction, all down his back, over his ass. Squeeze his cheeks, dig your nails in if you want to, and maybe even use a finger to tease him in the crack of his anus. If you’ve been seldom involved, then THAT will should show him that something turned your lightbulb on. “I’ve been reading,” you can tell him.
During all this, you really, really become absolutely in the moment.
Focus on how things feel – know what’s happening to your body. Focus on his rigid girth sliding in and out of you, how warm and good that cock feels, how it feels when it’s moving from shallow into deeper passes and back again. Focus on the slapping sounds, really try to follow what’s happening with your lover’s body.
Feel the moment, like I said, and let it take you where you should go. Be the moment, Grasshopper.
Let the moment lead you, don’t worry about “But Steff said shoulder-back-palms…” NO, I suggested it. Mostly, just let the moment and what you really wanna do deep down in that dirty place you usually ignore.
As you grow to study your lover’s moves more and more, you’ll be able to start anticipating things,&  you’ll know what it takes to really heighten the moment, via thrusting, biting, whatever, but that knowledge comes from studying – how does he move, what feels best for you?
If you shift yourself slightly, does his penis hit somewhere else inside you, a better place? Know these feelings.
It’s different for every single one of us, so you need to be the documentarian who’s keeping notes on how to vamp up her own sex life. Capische?
So, as you’re nibbling/biting/sucking/putting those god-given lips to good use — and those hands, they should always be working the moment one way or another, even if you’re rubbing your own clit as he thrusts (they like that, too) — you find his rhythm and you respond.
I don’t care if he’s 280 pounds – you should be strong enough to start doing some thrusting in sync with his. Every time his pelvis lifts, yours sinks back into the mattress. When he lowers to thrust into you, you raise your pelvis up into his. You thrust as hard as you can, on beat, every time.
It’s easier to thrust on the bottom if you have your knees bent and your feet planted — or with legs wrapped around him — but as you exercise those lumbar muscles and lower ab muscles, you’ll start getting stronger and better at thrusting in nearly any position you find yourself in. If you learn how to move from the hips themselves instead of using your whole groin area to thrust, you’ll find the movements to be sharper, more intense, and with more payback at his end (and thus at yours).
And it’s important to get your muscles stronger so you can thrust in any position, because there’s not a lot of men who don’t love the feeling of having a woman’s legs wrapped right around their waist during sex.
What’s really great about wrapping your legs around a guy, when things are heating up and you’re really into the moment, you can use your legs to pull him as tight and hard and deep into you as possible. Your legs will be wrapped around the small of his back at this point. After he’s thrust down into you, squeeze and hold him there, tight. For men, I’m told most of their sensation’s both at the head of the penis or the base of the shaft, so when you’re pulling him in hard, he’ll be really, really enjoying the moment. Keep your legs there but release some pressure, and let him resume thrusting, but if you want to be playful, you can cutely instruct him, “Mine. Stay!” Or something along those lines. Get dirtier if you want to, since I find that fun. Be careful, though, because this could feel TOO good for him and you might prematurely end your fun.
The thing about talking during sex, though, and I’ve been guilty of stupidity on this front like almost everywoman in the world, is that it’s important to try and steer away from routine things. Keep the sentiments short and to the point, and keep the focus on action, not conversation so much.
Say things, but don’t expound, unless it’s about something happening then and there that can be improved or changed.
The more you say, the more you run the risk of saying the wrong thing and wrecking the mood. Let’s face it, during sex, our brains aren’t getting nearly the blood nor oxygen it desires, so let’s not overwork the thing, shall we? Keep the blood where it belongs. Flowing in your loins.
Back to using your legs. It’s funny that so many women think there’s nothing they can do being under a guy. It’s just a silly thought.
Using your legs defines how everything feels. Using your legs to change your body angles even slightly affects the way his cock feels (to both him and you) as he slides in and out. Some positions allow you to feel him even deeper, harder.
The thing is, you need to get into those positions, you need to explore them.
Wrapping legs around the hips, a great start.
So’s intertwining your legs lengthwise with his and locking them into place via scooping your foot under his shins or something can allow you to use your muscles then to clench everything in your abdominal and vaginal and anal region. This can really make it a nice, tight, arousing fit for your man of choice. It tightens all the muscles so he’s getting more of a vice grip on his shaft, something most men’ll tell you is a good thing – but, AGAIN, too much of a good thing can result in him blowing his load early, especially if having you involved is a shock to his system.
Therefore, don’t let the moment become a marathon, hey?
One of my all-time favourite moves, and I’m not sure quite what I like about it so much, but it’s probably along the lines that it has an awful lot of deep sensation and is closest to some of the classic moves like doggy style, is the one in this photo. All you need to do is either push him back a little or ask him to kneel for a second, then pull your legs up in front of his chest and put your ankles over his shoulder. This position feels so goddamned good but you need to be a little flexible to pull it off. (I’m not some size 6 with yoga classes under her belt, but yeah, I can bend. You might surprise yourself, too. Try it. If it hurts, you can always stop. Bet it feels purty good, though.)
Personally, I find it excellent for low-back problems, but that’s not going to apply universally. If you can handle it, do it, because men have a lot to love about this position, too. Guys are visual and they absolutely love watching their penis slide in and out of a woman, and this position not only gives them the vantage point from which to see that, but unlike doggy and a few other positions, it allows them to see your face as they take you to the edge – and your breasts as they bounce side to side and up and down with every thrust the men make. Seeing the face, though, there’s something undeniably amazing about knowing it’s you who’s caused that look of agonized ecstasy to spill across a person’s face, and I suppose it’s one of the factors I enjoy about this position. I love watching him watching me.
Finally, the easiest, and still one of my faves, and allows for some of the sensation of the above position without you having to ask him to move, is while he’s thrusting, simply use your hands to pull your knees up to your chest (by his shoulders) in a classic knee-to-chest leg-stretch. A lot of feeling, allows for a really deep thrust, and he’s guaranteed to love it. You can alter the sensation here, too, by moving back and forth between allowing your back round out (sort of like the cat pose in yoga) and then arch away from him. It’ll drastically affect how it feels, but definitely be careful if it’s your first time trying those, since it could be a bit challenging on a virgin back. But, yeah, back and forth — arching, rounding — subs in for thrusting, giving him the same amount of contribution from you, but in a sensationally different manner. Give it a go.
As your legs tire a bit, you can take breaks by letting your legs wrap around him again. I advise going back and forth between these positions during a single session, if you’re looking to change things up a bit. A moment or two in this position, a moment or two in that.
But, hey, there’s a lot to be said for seeing one thing through, too. Every time is different. And should be.
Just GO with it. Stop thinking! Start feeling! Ignore society’s advice to act on logic, not emotion. Feel the moment and let it take you where you should go. That’s all it takes.
And don’t worry — “feeling the moment” will take you to newer, bolder, more different places as time passes, because the lover you are within will change and grow as you lighten up and think less. Being the best lover we can be doesn’t happen over night, it takes years, decades, because it’s not just about skill — it’s about being truly open and comfortable with yourself, and that’s the journey we’re all after for the whole of our lives.
And here’s where it really starts to take hold.
There’s more on this topic to come.
(The photo is from, an awesome site.)

Female Masturbation: An Intro For Newbies

And I’ve been thinking about masturbation. Not doing it, writing about it. I still want to hear more results and comments and emails based on the letter down below, but I think this topic is growing in importance for me.
Yes, guys need to understand more about female masturbation – but so do 40% of the female population who never, ever do it.
Why don’t they? You got me. Hang-ups of every kind, from social perceptions of what masturbation means, to fear, to religious implications, to good old-fashioned second, third, fourth generation shame.
Honeys, listen to me when I tell you this: Get over yourselves.
Oscar Wilde once said “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” Yes, it is, in more ways than one. Let’s put it this way: The orgasm is the ultimate in human sensation. It’s every nerve ending in the human body shuddering its way to absolute ecstasy, then collapsing upon themselves in spent euphoria.
Orgasms, though, don’t just fall out of the sky. The ability to come isn’t just something a woman wakes up with overnight. Female masturbation doesn’t get talked about, aside from jokes about vibrators, and that’s very misleading for a lot of women who have no experience in this area. Masturbating yourself is far less complicated than having to screw up the courage to spend money on a potentially embarrassing sex toy that you may not wish to have found.
If your courage lacks, it shouldn’t. We hear that we need lube, we need vibes, we need all this shit, and that’s all wrong. All you need, girls, is a happy little thought, and the soft pad of your fingers. Shorter nails helps, so you can get more variety of feelings, but so long as you’re working with your soft finger pads, not the tips, but the bit down closer to the first skin folds on the top joint. Like the photo below, you just slide your hand over your mons (that bit below the bottom of your belly, the mound) and into the first recesses of your vulva, the home of your clit. And massage around it at first, not on top of it right away because you might be too sensitive when you begin, but as you massage more, start increasing both the speed and the pressure, and begin going right over the top of the clit. And just keep going until you finally orgasm.
Any female who has not yet orgasmed, who’s approaching it for the first time, might feel fear and confusion. Some strange things happen to the body. At first, you might think you’re experiencing pain. Maybe you think you need to go to the washroom. But there’s a million different ways it might feel, and you need to relax and get past that point.
Then, there’s the issue of moisture. When you finally do orgasm, you will probably produce some form of ejaculate. You will be wet, lubricated, and you might even squirt some out. This is normal. There should be no shame with this, so try to be aware of it being an absolutely common occurrence. If it bothers you, one little visit to the bathroom will make it all go away. But you’ll become comfortable with this as you experience more orgasms and learn to let go.
I sort of discovered masturbation at about the age of 13. I remember being really excited about some George Michael photos I’d found – shirtless, tight shorts, that kind of thing – and I found myself dry humping a pillow. I kept getting up and running down the hall to go “pee” because I kept thinking I had to. Nope, that was approaching orgasm – something that never did happen for a few more years. I went from dry humping a pillow to them putting something solid and round under a pillow so I’d get more pressure, then I, well, let’s leave that one out, but the point is, it took a while to get the nerve up to start rubbing myself. Years, really. As for touching myself “under the panties,” well, that probably didn’t happen until I was 19 or 20. I was only comfortable rubbing over my panties because I thought it was dirty, wrong, and strange to touch my vagina on purpose. It was that moisture, it baffled me for a long time.
Fact is, being uncomfortable with masturbating is normal when you’re a woman. It’s sad that that’s the case, but it’s true. This generation coming up now, they’re the first ones to ever hear about female masturbation, really. My generation, and I’m 32, we never talked about it. Sex and the City has changed that. It’s suddenly okay for women to self-serve. But there are still so many hang-ups that interfere with our ability to orgasm.
And that, my friends, is another program. But here’s a great site with neat statistics on the female orgasm (and some on the male’s).
Come to think of it, I’m a little tense. Maybe I’ll go tend to something. Ahem.

Getting What You Ask For

Words hurt. What we say can hurt others. It can traumatize them. It can lead to unthinkable acts. Without a doubt, words can hurt.
But what we don’t say can often hurt us every bit as much. Unfortunately, as you read this, lovers all over the world are having unnecessarily bad sex all because of words they’re not saying.
Words like, “Honey, not so hard.” Or perhaps, “Can you move a little to the left?” Or quite possibly the worst phrase of all to overlook, “I think we could use a little lube.”
I’m making light of it, to be sure, but honestly, I still feel the best way to dial up a sex life is through talk. I’m not suggesting getting into a discourse on the pros and cons of ratifying Kyoto or anything, but rather, an interactive discussion on whether things are working or not. But let’s come back to that.
I recently received a happy package in the mail from my Secret Santa. In it was a copy of the Better Sex Series on DVD. This was Volume One: Advanced Sexual techniques and Positions.
Now, personally, I didn’t find there was anything really new in the DVD, but I really was glad to watch it. I’ll be keeping it around. It may come in handy with a future lover. It’s a “how to” video that explains a whole lot about sex, and I think it’d probably be useful for any new or even intermediate couple. It echoes a lot of things I’ve always believed.
There was a lot of great information included, everything from how every person’s body will respond differently to stimulation, to the uniqueness of different cocks and vaginas, and a myriad of useful position and technique advice. Great stuff.
It also highlighted the necessity of communication. The program’s participants appear to be real couples who occasionally suck at acting (in that they’re just trying too hard to say the lines right) but they sure as hell have it going on in bed. The couples talk on-screen about aspects of their sex lives correlating to whatever topic might be showing at any given time, from cunnilingus to come, and then you see snippets of them getting it on in rather elegant, if sparse, and nicely lit surroundings, illustrating how hot their sex really is.
(An assumption one might draw if they excelled in naivety would be along the lines of, “Dude, they talked about it and then, whammo! They had frickin’ hot sex! Talking is HOT, dude!”)
There are scenes, though, that illustrate beautifully what kind of dialogue can be used to really spice up your relationship. How? It’ll give you a roadmap for your partner’s pleasure zones. Here’s some questions I think ought to be asked in these scenarios, and some are variations of ones asked in the DVD:
“How do you like having your clit rubbed?”
“What part of your cock is the most sensitive?”
“Is there something I don’t do that you wish I did?”
“What part of your body do you think needs more attention?”
“What do I do that you like the most?”
“What do you like the least?”
“When’s your favourite time to have sex?”
“Please tell me when I’m doing something that doesn’t feel right.”
“I wish we could keep doing this longer…”
You obviously can surmise that having information on any of the above questions would give you a little more insight into your lover. I mean, haven’t you ever had that experience where, when you were younger, you had certain beliefs (political, ethical, spiritual, philosophical, whatever) and you happened upon a book that somehow encapsulated everything you ever believed, and you suddenly just had this totally invigorated worldview?
Not everyone knows that feeling, but I do, and those that do, I bet they know what I’m saying here. If, say, you have an inkling that the way you tickle your lover’s anus when you’re making out, playing naked in bed, but it’s one of those sorta odd taboos you’ve never really spoken about, so it’s almost like a guilty little pleasure when you sneak a little tweak for kicks, right?
But let’s say it finally comes up in conversation. They somehow look up at you, all abashed, and guiltily confess, “I gotta say, I get so, so, so hot whenever you do that thing to my ass, but I’ve been too embarrassed to admit it… and I’d like a little more.”
One little statement, that’s all it takes. I couldn’t care less if assplay is a notion that gets you off or not, but you see my point. Confess your desires, inquire as to theirs, and start fulfilling them. What part of this is so hard to understand?
Not much, I gather. It’s just hard to do. At first. One day, you just come to realize that being vulnerable may get you a little more hurt more often, but wow, the dividends it pays in most of your life is frickin’ killer — especially when it comes to sex. You’ll find that the more you open up, the more you will be rewarded in kind. When that happens, a synergy starts to build between you. There’s something there, more tangible, more open, more adventurous. It’s like you’re finally receiving permission to act.
What’s more, it’ll start spilling out into other areas of your life. You’ll feel more comfortable being open. It takes a while to find the right people who are receptive to it, but once you do, then you need to find a way to get them talking.
And if you can’t get them talking, then at least try to get them to watch something like the Better Sex series. There is help out there, kids. It’s a matter of finding it.

Getting Stiffed By the Stiffy & Happy Birthday to Me

I’m 32 today, folks. That being the case, I’m a little busy being busy and birthdayish for the next couple of days. YAY me.
I wrote this posting over on NYHotties for you kids to read in answer to LabBoy’s question about the “five-minute” rule — you know, how guys tend to blow their wad the first time they have sex with a broad in about all of five minutes of steamy action.
You can read the original comments here. The posting is in full below, though:
Here’s a conversation I had with a reader:

How do I get over the “5-minute” rule when it comes to doing it with someone for the first time? Whatcha mean by the 5-minute rule?
5-minute rule: All the dates before “the” date have been foreplay. I’m turned on beyond belief, so when we get to “the” moment, I can only last for 5 minutes. I can “reload” and “reset” fairly quickly and go back to my usual 30 minutes or so of long-lasting action… But it’s always very fast that first time!
Well, have you done the jack-off-before-date routine when you know you’ll be getting some? Is a cock ring out of the question?
That’s just it!!! I never know if I’ll be getting some… So should I just, ahem, service myself regardless? Just in case? Always be prepared? What am I? A boyscout?
A cock ring? Somehow I think this doesn’t have to do with rooster fighting in downtown Guadalajara…

I sometimes wonder if guys are given the short end of the shaft thanks to the fact that they reach their sexual peak in their late teens, but chicks don’t reach theirs for a decade or more after their first sexual experiences.
Most younger women live under the delusion that there’s “something wrong” with them, so they do everything they can to try and maximize their sexual experiences. For instance, women almost always know about the wonders of Kegel exercises.
What are Kegels? They’re an exercise through which the pelvic floor is strengthened and empowered. What does that have to do with sex? Better orgasms, kids. You have better control over that region of your body, and thus can prolong your experience before orgasming.
The problem is, a lot of guys don’t realize they can — and should — do these exercises, too. Like one resource on the web says, if you’re a guy with an erect penis, and you can’t squeeze your pelvic muscles and cause your dick to jump substantially, then you need to do these exercises — more than you know.
Guys often snicker and laugh at the notion of some men “lasting for hours” in bed. The rockstar Sting is known for his passion for Tantric sex and his claims that he can have sex “all night long.” Why guys snicker and laugh at this is beyond me, but I suspect it’s largely insecurity along the “that’ll never be me” kind of lines.
No, not without work, it won’t be. If guys were to do Kegel exercises regularly, the odds are good that their newly healthy, strong penis could have a towel hung over it when erect and still be able to little lifts and lowering at will.
So, Reader, first of all, do your exercises. Every single day. Second of all, learn that your “regular 30 minutes” isn’t really much to write home about either, but it’s unfortunately become the almost-accepted norm for men.
You can do better, and when you do, you’ll wonder how you ever managed to be complacent with the sex life you once had.
I was speaking with a man I know and he told me how yoga was “the best thing” he ever did for his sex life. I asked him if it was because of the stronger abdomen helping his erection, and he said yeah, that, but also because it taught him how to breathe right, and that did wonders for him.
In his late 30s, the man’s experiencing the best sex he’s ever had, all because he’s lost his inhibitions and learned how to control his body like he’s never done before. Through yoga he has learned to focus on his abdomenal muscles and their role in his ability to withhold his orgasm for hours. The breathing techniques he has learned have allowed him — with his partner — to slow down his breathing and thus find greater control over his bodily sensations.
And if all this sounds like too much, then I suggest taking the easy way out and jacking off before your dates. Even if you don’t get laid, at least you’ll be relaxed and more willing to let the evening happen naturally, rather than being concerned about getting yours.
Finally, there’s always the option of a cock ring. There are important considerations when choosing a cock ring for yourself, particularly in regards to size. Too small and it could really cause you problems, and may get stuck on your cock. Not good. Too large and it’ll do nothing. The safest way to go is a strap-on cock ring, since you can adjust the tension in case you’re unsure how tight to go, and sensation is your best guiding force. You can even get cock rings that have a vibe attached to really give your partner her bang for your buck, too. But if you’re a man on a budget and you still want to have that upscale ride, then visit your local hardware store and buy a few little rubber seals/gaskets and see which works best for you, at a fraction of the cost.
But what does a cock ring do, you ask? It traps blood in your cock and makes your erection both larger and last longer. When you finally do come, it’s a more explosive orgasm, so to speak, since the blood has made the orgasm more difficult and lengthy to achieve, thus heightening your end experience.
The “first time” you do it with a chick will probably always leave a little to be desired compared to your regular endurance ability, but maybe it’s time to up the ante all the way around. A little extra dedication to your dick will help you become the man of your dreams — and hers.

Lousy Lover Syndrome

DirtyTalkingGirl (DTG) over at Pussy Talk recently posted this about her lover’s stubborness in wanting to get her off through oral:

I have to say that M gave me his best last night. He went down on me unasked, made all the right moves with tongue and lips, pulled my thighs over his shoulders, changed position and bent in over me from the side, tried every angle of oral approach and entry. He was textbook-perfect.
All to no avail. I couldn’t come.
At one point, I apologised. Told him it wasn’t him, I just wasn’t in the mood, time of month, blah blah. I added, I’d rather you fuck me. I wanted the penetration.
He said, “No, I want to make you come this way.”
As he laboured on, putting fingers here and thumb there and vice versa, I felt like a lawnmower that wouldn’t start.

This posting set me off, for some reason. I began thinking, “If someone as skilled in and open about sex as DTG felt this frustrated and this much like a failure when her lover plodded through what he thought was his money routine, then where would that leave a “lesser” lover?”
Feeling pretty fucking negative about sex, I suspect. And that’s not fair. In fact, it’s downright cruel.
Our bodies are enigmas. Some things work brilliantly sometimes, and sometimes they fail. That’s just the way it goes.
DTG went on to say that maybe a switch hadn’t flicked in her mind, that the mood hadn’t hit her, and as a result, she was left unswayed by his “best.” She asked to be fucked doggy style, and was again rebuffed. Her lover stuck with his seflish intent of having her reach orgasm his way instead of the one way she thought she’d be able to reach it, considering her somewhat uninspired state.
I’m here to tell you one thing and one thing only: I don’t give a shit if you’re the king or queen of the world with your skills. If your lover tells you it ain’t working, that they want to have you try X method, and you rebuff them because you’re somehow intent on bringing them to climax through your present approach, then it doesn’t matter what skills you have.
You’re a lousy fucking lover.
Listen. Listen. Listen. I’m always saying “listen for aural clues — a switch in breathing, a moan,” whatever it takes, right?
Well, when someone flat-out tells you what they want, and they tell you they’re having trouble “getting there,” and you disregard it, you’ve broken every damned rule in the book.
Me, I think that when the mental baggage started to come into the picture, DTG should have told him to stop. I think she should’ve made him realize that he was starting to make her feel bad.
But that’s just how it goes. It’s so overwhelming when we’re in the heat of that moment and all those inner bells and whistles start tooting: “You can’t come? What are you, frigid? You’re good at this. Hell, you don’t even need to do anything. The ride has come to you! Come on! Orgasm! Squirt, baby!”
We can logically dismiss it, but the hurt’s still going to find its way in, and we start thinking we’re being selfish AND a failure.
And the truth is, it’s not us being selfish, nor failures. It’s our lousy fucking lovers.
This applies to both sexes. Listen to your lovers, and don’t let your pride and inability to concede defeat leave them feeling like crap (and unsatisfied).
It’s wrong and it’s cruel. And it’s just plain bad sex. Wake the hell up.

The Young Woman's Guide to Getting Over Herself

This was a posting over at by yours truly. The blog owner there is Alexa, so this was a letter sent to Alexa, and Alexa asked me to answer it for her:
Hi, I’m Steff, and I’ll be your cruise director tonight.
I’m a Canadian girl, born & raised in Vancouver, and I run a site called [Smut & Steff]. One of Alexa’s friends said that being featured on NY Hotties was like being the featured slut in a bukkake-fest because so many people came. So after you shoot your tender lovin’ comments all over this post here, cum over to my site, fill me up and spray me down with even more hot comments. I’m a comment whore!
My specialty is sex advice, which is why I’m hijacking Alexa’s hot little site here per her request. She recently received an email from a young reader that went a little something like this…

Dear Alexa,
Let me start with the usual by saying that I absolutely love reading your blog!
By means of introduction, I am an 18-year-college student in Philadelphia. Freshman year, I had a boyfriend who took my virginity, about 9 months ago. I enjoyed sex with him but for some reason I could never orgasm. We would try oral and manual stimulation which felt great, but still nothing.
I now have a new boyfriend and everything is ten times more amazing, but still nothing. I scream, I moan, but every time I come close, I just want to throw his hand away or push his head away. The pleasure becomes so intense that it’s almost a pain, and then I don’t want it anymore. It’s stressful for my boyfriend because he believes that he’s not pleasing me. What is wrong with me? I try to let myself go and stop thinking about it, but then I worry, thinking that I have to urinate or I’ll get a UTI, if it’s too hard.
If you have any suggestions whatsoever, I’d love to hear them.
Ain’t Came, but Ready to Go

Alexa decided she’d ask me to weigh in on the topic, so I’ve put my little thinking cap on. Being brought up in a pretty repressed household with Catholic morality running rampant means that I have tremendous sympathy for this young woman, ‘cos god knows I had some overcoming to do before coming came ‘round for me.
First off, honey, you ain’t alone. One in five young sexually-active women has never had an orgasm, and I suspect that isn’t even high enough.
You need to realize that it doesn’t make you a freak, there’s nothing wrong with you, and it’s something you can overcome, if you’re willing to get past your inhibitions and try different approaches to resolving your issue. You’re already ahead of the game by admitting this and by wanting more information, because info’s most of what’s going to help you get past this.
First question is, do you masturbate yourself to orgasm?
That split moment before a woman experiences orgasm is often an uncomfortable, almost painful experience, but that’s what makes it all so heavenly when it’s finally broached. You need to let yourself go.
Unfortunately, that’s easier said than done — especially if you never masturbate!
Just so you know, when I first began masturbating in my mid-teens — which is exaggerating the truth since I never got comfortable with touching myself till I was around your present age and had already had sex — I was under the delusion, everytime I approached orgasm, that I had to pee. I can’t TELL you how much toilet paper I went through those first days of dry-humping pillows while lusting after George Michael posters on my wall. I kept running down the hall and trying to pee every time I felt myself getting excited, and then I’d get pissed off, thinking “I haven’t drank anything in two hours! What the hell?”
Know what? That’s how it’s supposed to feel. As for getting a UTI, no. Not the case. After you’ve had sex, go pee and clean up, and that’ll do a lot towards preventing a UTI. The threat isn’t as great as you perceive it to be, not even close, or why would chicks want to have sex as much as some of us do?
Now, for privacy reasons, I don’t have your email address as Alexa has kept that to herself, and rightly so. But as a result, I can’t ask you some of the important questions:
As I already asked, do you masturbate to orgasm? Do you really care about and trust him? Are you scared of the experience or do you have any apprehensions? Are you beating yourself up about your supposed inability to come? Have you ever been assaulted? Were you taught that sex was bad, that to enjoy it made you a whore? Were you raised is a religious household? Are you insecure about your body? Have you ever taken the time to read up on sex yourself? Do you like to touch yourself?
These are far-reaching questions and may even strike you as a little too psychologically-bent to apply to the very “simple” process of getting off when you’re getting hot.
Unfortunately, that’s not the case. Our mindsets are incredibly linked to our ability to orgasm. Particularly as females, we’re so bogged down with societal demands on our morality, with our parental teachings and social stigmas, that we have a lot of baggage we have to overcome before we can bloody well come, that’s more true than it has been in awhile, in this frickin’ uptight Religious Right-dominated political landscape we presently find ourselves under. Shame is the order of the day, and it’s on special two-for-one with a hefty side of guilt. You need to get past all that crap, too, and it’s hard.
Education is the best way to go about it, though, and it’s easier than it’s ever been, thanks to the internet. Honestly, the more you read about sexual dysfunction, the more you’ll learn just how common it really is. For example, I just did a very helpful websearch on Google using the following keywords: orgasm difficulties “young women” about resolutions. Read some of the results and that’ll give you a great headstart.
But you asked for help, so I would suggest a few ways to approach this problem of yours.
First, cut yourself slack, baby. Like I said, you’re in quite a number, what, with one out of five women claiming this problem, too, but that number’s probably higher in reality, considering the shame that surrounds admitting things like this. Hell, I can even tell you about women I’ve talked to who’ve never come alive sexually until they’re in their 40s.
Second, you’re on a completely different page from guys in your age category. They’re at their sexual peak right now — meaning they’re horny as hell and easy to please — and you, honey, you’ve got 10-15 years before you even reach that neck of the woods, which is the standard for all women. And you may think he’s a pro, but he’s probably a very clumsy lover and has as much to learn as you, since the female organs are far more complex than the male organ. By the time you hit your peak, around 30ish, with your being open about this already and wanting to learn more, I guarantee you’re gonna be a sexual goddess. Right now, for you, it’s all about discovering yourself, and that brings me to the next point.
Third, stop thinking that sex has to be all about the orgasm. It is, but it’s also not. Especially not at 18. It’s about learning all about a lover’s body and letting them learn about yours. Great sexual relationships start off slow and build as each partner learns more and more about what to do and what not to do. It’s not a race. For now, stop pursuing orgasms in the traditional sense of the word. This brings me to number four, a homework assignment.
Fourth, download the Divinyls’ masturbation classic, “When I Think About You, I Touch Myself,” and lighten up, considering how much of orgasms come from thought — which is FAR MORE TRUE FOR WOMEN than for men, and moreso today than ever, in this confused redrawing of the gender-lines that’s bringing us into a whole new ball of sexual confusion.
In case you’ve never really explored masturbation, let me give you a few tips. Vibrators are great, but for most women will not result in orgasm, and definitely not at your age — unless you’re using it on your clit. But fingers will do just fine, and are better for you at your age, since it’s about overcoming hesitancy. The happy-button is your clit, and you should be giving yourself a little cliteral massage. Trim your nails nice and short, and introduce yourself to your clit. The clit’s where it all happens, since maybe 10% of women can cum through just intercourse alone.
Massage your clit slowly and gently until you start to get thoroughly aroused, and try to bring yourself to orgasm. Don’t be ashamed of touching yourself or masturbating. Don’t balk when it starts to feel intense — that’s normal. It’s all normal. Hell, masturbating is a part of a nice Sunday in for me. Women who are truly comfortable with themselves sexually always get to know their vagina first-hand. At the same time, squeeze your tits, play with your nipples — this doesn’t make you weird, it makes you comfortable with your inner sex goddess — and believe me, she’s in there.
Make love to yourself. Because if you can’t do this, how can anyone else do it for you? Like Oscar Wilde once said, “To love yourself is the beginning of a life-long romance.” At 18, you’ve got a long road of romance ahead of you. Enjoy the ride.
Fifth, talk to your doctor and tell him/her what’s wrong. Maybe visit a free clinic and pose these questions and have an exam to make sure everything’s working fine or you don’t have any unusual developments. If you’re uncomfortable talking about it, write it out like you did for Alexa, seal it in an envelope, and give it to the doctor’s receptionist a day in advance of your appointment, and explain to the receptionist that you’re too shy to ask the enclosed question, and that you want your medical professional to read it well in advance of when they enter the exam room, so your pride can be spared.
The doc’ll appreciate it too, since their time is money and they’ll be happy you cut through the bullshit and brought up the real issue before the appointment. You should request that they gather helpful resources for you, which is doable if you give them leadtime before the appointment. (Important: Include the appointment time within the letter so the doc knows how much time they have to prepare for you. They’re as scattered as anyone, so don’t be intimidated about simplifying things for them.)
Sixth, tell your man it ain’t him. Tell him you’re working on the issues, that you need him to give you time and space. Learn how to deliver a great blow job. I’ve got a very helpful guide on both BJs and cunnilingus on my website. Read my “Good Girl’s Guide to Giving Great Head.” Explore. Bring him pleasure so he knows you’re breaking boundaries for yourself, but it’s all for him. Let him know that you’re learning to love yourself in every sense of the word. And let him know, that when you’re ready to, you will masturbate in front of him so he can see how you’ve learned to make yourself cum, and he can start things slowly by doing what you’re comfortable with. This is SO helpful for young couples. Have him masturbate himself as he watches you, and you should take notes on that, too. It’s a very arousing experience to share and teaches you both how each other likes to be touched.
Again, if words are difficult to say, then writing is the way to go.
Realize this: By coming to the brink so many times with orgasm, and stopping the process, your body’s dying to let go. The first few orgasms may be difficult to endure, but let it happen. You’ll be so happy and pleasantly spent afterwards that you’ll feel like a new woman in so many ways.
Finally, a last word about the society we live in and how screwed up it can make young women like you feel. As females, we’re taught that if we really enjoy sex and know what we’re doing, we’re whores. We’re taught that “good girls” get married and find nice men and never worry about orgasms, and the “sexual girls” only bond with Energizer batteries, not decent men.
And it’s bullshit. Own your sexuality, baby, because a life of pleasure and strength and power awaits you if you can please your man while loving yourself. There’s no shame in it. Men respect it and appreciate it — and you will, too.
This might well be a new start for you. But it might take a while. Most young women aren’t comfortable masturbating until their 20s, so bear that in mind, since it speaks volumes.
Good luck on your journey to sexual awakening. And enjoy the ride. It’s a long, but fun one.