Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

I had an end-of-the-night chat on Twitter with my friend Tris Hussey (@TrisHussey), one of Vancouver’s best WP blogging smartie-pants, about the strange life of being a vanilla girl in a sex-blogger-world.
It’s had me thinking since, which is why I like smartie-pants like Tris.
See, he thinks the world needs more sex-positive voices — especially from everyday-peoples like me, I guess.
Me, I still have a hard time swallowing the role. So to speak.
That’s what my whole journey in sex-blogging was about. Discovering my own sexuality in a more positive way, where I no longer judged my tastes or worried what things might suggest about me ethically or morally.
It was a hard fucking battle and I’m not even sure where I am on that road right now because I’ve been abstaining for too long. Just… because. I didn’t want to think about sexuality. I had to think about me.
But I’ve thought about me. I’m a better “me” than I’ve ever been. Now I’m ready to be more. Again.
I think the reason my sex-writing has been so successful at being applicable to the average person is because I am one. I’m not interested in burlesque. I couldn’t give a shit if I ever experience a threesome. I don’t have anything too crazy going on in my closet, can’t tell you about any really freaky encounters or swinging parties. I don’t have really odd kinks, I don’t need to push any boundaries. I don’t need more/crazier/harder to get off than I used to.
I like a little bondage, a little kink, trying creative positions, and have a little thing about sex in interesting places if time/lack-of-visibility allow. That’s about it.
I’m not off-the-charts with my sexuality, and I’m not even promiscuous. I’m old-fashioned.
But I think into every sex life a little doggy-style must fall. Or maybe a lot. It’s open for debate — let’s bang-out a plan of attack. What can I tell ya?
I think sexuality is probably one of the biggest journeys we all take.
How many people ever truly get comfortable in that context? How many people not only get comfortable with being truly sexual, but do so in a healthy way — they don’t overconsume porn, hurt others in their quest for fulfilling needs, or develop unhealthy dependencies on any particular activity, person, or lifestyling?
The world doesn’t have enough oft-laid happy “average” people skipping through life with a “I”ve been shagged SILLY” bounce to their step. How many accountants do you see walking bow-legged on Monday morning, huh?
The attitudes we DO have about sex, unfortunately, are being shaped by really fucked-up messages on the media, in Hollywood, and the internet. Sleeping around’s more popular than it’s been since the ’70s,  STDs are on the rise, people are experimenting left, right and centre because media’s showing all these alternative approaches to us…
But where’s the heart?
Where’s the emotion?
Why’s there such a profound disconnect between what we’ll let ourselves feel in the crotch versus what we’ll allow our hearts to feel?
What the hell are we thinking?
Sigh. Don’t ask me, man. I’m only beginning to even attempt to crack that nut.
For the last 2-3 years, I’ve not been considering sexuality and society as much as I once did. Re-reading my work has reminded me of why I’d been so angry about it all in the past, and has rekindled my interest in being one of the voices to bring some reason to the argument.
I think so much of what’s wrong with us as a society can be explained through our skewed perspectives on sex.
I’m not suggesting getting laid equals world peace.
I’m suggesting that it’s the attitudes we associate with sex that matter, not necessarily about whether we’re getting laid or not.
When we do get shagged, how vulnerable do we truly let ourselves be? How willing are we to let our loved ones into our deeper darker places we’re scared to admit exist? How ready are we to open the doors to where we keep our skeletons?
Sex is the physical realm of mental trust. What you’re willing to do mentally SHOULD translate sexually, vice versa.
Yet how often is that true?
Are you open to others, do you accept all ways of life, can you trust those around you, are you comfortable expressing your needs? Tell me what kind of lover you are, and I’ll tell you the answer to those questions. Again, vice versa.
If everyone was open, trusting of others, accepting of other lifestyles and worldviews, willing to be versatile, able to be vulnerable but also strong when needed, and could let others lead when necessary but follow when called for, what kind of world do you think we’d live in?
Don’t tell me sex can’t heal us.
Don’t tell me sex isn’t an important statement on who and what we are as a people.
And don’t even think of telling me we’re okay.
I’m not crazy about standing up here and being the sex-positive poster-girl. I’m not enthused about the judgment or speculation it promises to hold for me. I’m not happy this job needs doing by anyone.
But there’s no one out there talking about sex for ME.
There’s no one *I* get. No one echoes the battles I’ve fought, the lessons I’ve learned, and the thoughts I’ve had in a way that really resonates.
And I know how alone I felt and how fucked up and self-judgey I was, and for how long.
Someone needs to speak for me.
So I will.
And hopefully it’ll mean a few other people feel spoken for.
Because I’m getting real fuckin’ tired of the people who’ve been doing all the talking so far.

6 thoughts on “Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

  1. Tris Hussey

    Steff the best thing about what you’re doing is that you’re talking about it. Hiding sex hasn’t worked out so well, but you’re also right in that our rebound isn’t healthy either. We do need to reconnect with ourselves. We need to understand what gets us off and why.
    Darn good thing the experiments are so much damn fun.
    .-= Tris Hussey´s last blog ..Stuff I Found in a Packet Sniff Over Coffee =-.

    1. A Scribe Called Steff Post author

      Thanks, Tris. I’m really looking forward to returning to my writing roots. It’s time.
      I think my contribution to the dialogue will be more insightful in my older, wiser, albeit less-laid ways.

  2. Susan

    Excellent! I’m looking forward to it – as a fellow vanilla-inclined woman. I’m very open and interested in knowing what you have to say, and I will eventually like to add to the conversation, despite my upbringing that these matters are “private.”
    This important line is something to explore in more detail, methinks: “Why’s there such a profound disconnect between what we’ll let ourselves feel in the crotch versus what we’ll allow our hearts to feel?”
    .-= Susan´s last blog ..Tonight in Vancouver: Social Media for Non-Profit Organizations =-.

    1. A Scribe Called Steff Post author

      The reason most people have lousy sex — or nowhere near the mindblowing sex you read about in rare literature — is because it’s a “private” matter.
      If EVERYONE does it, how is it private?
      I talk about sex, but you’d be hard-pressed to find more than 2-5 instances in which I write about an ACTUAL sexual encounter in the 1,000 postings here.
      Just because you’re TALKING about it doesn’t mean you gotta get specific about your happenings. 🙂

  3. Princess

    I enjoy your blog and encourage you to keep writing! I also believe that a move toward a sex positive loving society can change the world. The sex negative religious right in the USA is becoming so evil I fear for the rights of the next generation of girls.
    .-= Princess´s last blog ..The Lounge at Cardero’s in Coal Harbour =-.

    1. A Scribe Called Steff Post author

      Thanks, Princess. I agree. I think sex-negative in the USA is a little on the wane. Its zenith was in 2006-2007, under Bush, when it was used as a distraction versus the Iraq War, but it is still negative. Not like it was, though.


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