RANT(ish): Fuck that Couch!

My couch is gone. My piece of shit, black vinyl couch is gone. In its place is a new, black-and-blue cloth (presumably piece of shit but thus far unproven as such) couch that I was given as a warranty replacement.
Also gone is its history.
All those nights spent cuddling with cute guys, the dirty s-e-x, the nakedness, the hinge-testing activities, the massages, the naked nibbling of foods and sipping of wine, the fumbling for protection hidden in the coffee table, the whispered jokes, restrained moans, gasping – all of it, gone.
My slate, and my couch, are clean.
I’m entering into this, “Fuck you, I’m single?” phase now.
I’m too fucking cool to be single. I’m good in bed. I’m cute. I’m a fucking fab cook. I’m doting. I’m expressive. I’m clear in what I say. I listen well. I empathize. I intellectualize. And I know how to laugh.
Single? Fucking hell, men!
I’ve been through the denial and the sadness, and now I’m into anger. Not at him, not really, but maybe a bit. It’s really, though, just “it all.” At myself, in particular. I shoulda fucking walked sooner. Now, here I am, the middle of summer, and no one fun to play with. The beginning of the relationship, great. The last 8-10 weeks, I was already practically checked out emotionally as I was certain it would end. I knew what was coming, I understood the mindfuck of healing, but he didn’t. Yet I was stupid enough to stick around, hoping, like an idiot, things would change. I knew better then, and I know far better now. But it is what it is. And now, here I am.
Single. Again.
I’m the original “love yourself, love singleness!” cheerleader, but, fuck, man, getting together with someone’s pretty cool too, and I was right to be optimistic. So, yes, thrown for a loop, collecting myself, and doing a bit of a mess of it, but I’ll get my shit together. I always do.
What really pisses me off, though, about singleness, is society.
It screams at you SO fucking loud. You’re only as good as the company you keep. You’re only as good as the company you keep. You’re only as good as the company you keep. You’re only as good as the company you keep.
It’s a mindless fucking droning that is echoed by film, tv, ads, and music. Everywhere you look, it’s about “the one you love” and “forever.” Without someone, you might as well be nothing.
Me, I like dining out. Have you ever gone to a decent restaurant and eaten alone? I have. It sort of feels like the time I was in a wheelchair back when I had a leg injury and had to get around an amusement park for the day. Half the people eye you with respect and empathy, and the others eye you with some kind of sympathy and pity.
“Oh, she must have been stood up. No one eats alone.”
Yeah? No one, huh? Fuck you and your lame-ass stats keeping, buddy. I eat alone, and I like it. Catch up on my reading, you know? These days, I just do it in the kinds of places that “lonely” people are acceptable in – diners, coffee shops, the like. That’s a money thing, not because I’m letting the bastards get me down. But, these days, I don’t really enjoy fine dining without company. I can cook that well at home, and get great satisfaction in it, so if I’m spending the dime, I want some flesh on my arm and an ass by my side, you know?
I’m liking the new couch. I’m glad I no longer think of any of the guys I’ve been with on that couch. I’m glad the memories are, in a way, purged. I’m really fucking happy about that.
Along with the couch, I’ve also rolled up my area rugs and put them in the storeroom for the season. I figure there’s greatly reduced probabilities of rolling around in pursuit of carpet burn as I have dirty, naughty sex on the floor, so why deal with vacuuming and mustiness in the middle of a heatwave. Hardwood floors rock.
Yeah, fuck all this. I, too, dislike being single in a society that thinks I’m wrong to be this way. Being single takes time to adjust to, it takes much love of oneself, and a love for independence and spontanaeity. Going through hard times is not conducive to any of those things. As my life settles down, my love of being solo will return, if I don’t find me some masculine specimen before that.
I don’t want a relationship, I don’t think, right now, but I wouldn’t mind a little play time, if you know what I’m saying. So, I’m hatching a plan and continuing what I started a couple weeks ago in regards to getting back out into the world.
Life’s fucked right up, but it ought to settle on down soon. And then, I’ll be back.
Depress-o-meter: I’m, what, a 6 today? Got through the night with no dope, no drinking, not too much attitude. (Not like I’ve been drinking much, or that I ever do, but I have certainly been smoking dope. Waaaay too much!) That first night of “good behaviour” usually is sleepless, but I got six hours. The worst is over. That’s good. Now to keep keepin’ on.

10 thoughts on “RANT(ish): Fuck that Couch!

  1. Spicy Little Pi

    I, too, enjoy dining alone, but I can relate when you want some flesh on your arm and an ass by your side.

    My ex recently told me, ‘what I did to you was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done in my life.’

    Helps, but I’m still single.

    Trying to get back to the ‘lovin’ it’ part…not as easy this time around.

    I just moved into a new place…time to start makin more dirrty memories….

    Reply
  2. Zachkehm

    Hey there. Hang in there Steff, after bad times there can only be better times.
    Hope you find someone you deserve and fuck society, too bad its the world we live in.

    Reply
  3. scribe called steff

    Zack — Thanks, man. I have the faith. I just need another couple weeks and then I’ll be back to a better place, I think. It doesn’t take me too long.

    And shouldn’t.

    Pi — Yeah, tough adjustment, hey? Weird. Annoying. And yes, men are fucking mental midgets sometimes — they go and take what they perceive is the easiest way out of difficulty by ending a relationship, and then a month later realize they’ve fucked up. Duh. Love men, and hate ’em. At least we don’t do as much knee-jerk relationship ending as men do. Sheesh.

    Reply
  4. Haaaaaaa

    Despite being married, I travel alone A LOT, so I get to compare both worlds. I was in Seattle recently and noted how much that city sucked for single folks dining out. The area I was in was full of fancy restuarants and cute little wine bars full of cute little people in cute little groups having fun together. When I was younger, I used to push into those places and somehow engratiate myself into a group. Now that I’m older, that behavior gets me labeled as “creepy old guy”, so I don’t feel like it anymore. By the way never stay at a “W” hotel, if you’re alone. It’s a sure way to bring out the “I’m a loser” in you.

    After two hours of walking around, I finally found a good old fashioned bar, with a TV to watch, a bartender to talk to, and a rack of ribs with my name on it.

    Reply
  5. myself

    I hear ya on the being single in the middle of the summer thing. Just wasted myself a good 2 months on someone who took the easy way out instead of talking to me, discussing issues, and I’m right pissed about it now.

    What a fucking waste of most of my summer, the two of us should have been enjoying this nice weather together…all the things Montreal has to offer…but NOOOOOOOO

    And then again, I DO like being single.

    Yeah, love men and hate them too….urgh

    Reply
  6. SecretDesiresofaDarkLady

    There is nothing wrong with being single, especially being a woman. If society doesnt like it fuck em. Enjoy your solitude, its precious thats for sure.

    Reply
  7. Volcanic Vixen

    I hear ya. Daily life feels like swimming upstream most of the time. The whispers of “why doesn’t she have a…” follow everywhere I go. Sounds dumb but I fight it by surrounding myself with, and reading about, others like me. The new breed.

    Reply
  8. scribe called steff

    Haaaaa– Yep, I know what you’re saying about the bubble people. Glad you found a cool bar.

    Myself — Heh. Sigh. Yeah, BECOMING single in the summer sucks. Being single is fine. Now you have to transition from Becoming to Being, just like I do.

    SDoaDL — I’m working on it.

    VV — There’s nothing wrong with being single, I don’t mind it. It’s a hard place to be happy in, but when you get there, it can be a great thing. Then we cock it up by getting into relationships. Sigh. 🙂

    Reply
  9. Anonymous

    Oh, the dining alone. Why on earth can’t we dine alone if we want? If I’m in a mood for a restaurant meal, I don’t need an escort.

    I was in a restaurant one lunchtime, and as it happens was waiting for a friend to show up. A rather nasty little woman who worked in the next office showed up, man in tow (so presumably it was okay for her to be there) and said in an incredibly catty and pitying voice, “Oh. Dining ALONE are we?” As it happened, I could smile sweetly and say, “Nope. Waiting for a friend!” but what if I hadn’t been? So what? It was just down the street from the office? I can’t buy a bit of lunch for myself? Arrggh!

    There are things I like about being single and there were things I liked about being married. Neither is “better” just different.

    D.

    Reply
  10. me

    I’ve always liked being single. I can come and go as I please and don’t have to worry about it if I feel like kissing the guy I’m talking to at the bar once I have several drinks. But yeah, society totally screams out at every turn that I Am Single! and tries to make me feel poorly about it. It doesn’t help that most of my friends are coupled off or that my roommate’s boyfriend is around our apartment CONSTANTLY.

    But I digress. Sure, I’d love to meet a guy I could actually think about being with, but I haven’t recently, and I don’t feel like dating just so I won’t be alone. And I won’t feel weird about it. Or, I’ll try not to:)

    Reply

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