We Interrupt The Regularly Scheduled Broadcast…

…to inform you that there’ll be no regularly scheduled broadcast.
Every now and then I’ve been making mention of not feeling well. Truth be told, this has been ongoing for a long time — months. This weekend, everything changes. I’m making some radical lifestyle changes because I’m tired of feeling like I’m drifting through life. As a result, I’m probably about to enter some pretty heady spaces, and postings might be interesting over the next week or so. Most of the lifestyle changes are dietary. No sugar, no dairy, blah, blah. For a foodie like me, you might as well just instruct me to climb on up and nail myself to a fucking cross, ‘cos that’s about how it feels like. Still, I’m excited.
Motivation is hard to come by when it comes to making drastic changes. I used to always joke that, “Well, I’d love to quit smoking dope but I just can’t seem to find the motivation.” Hardy-har-har. Same thing with diet. I’m the kind of person that’d rather haul my fat ass 30k on a bike than give up the brick of 5-year-old cheddar taking up space in the fridge.
[SFX: SCREAMING]: “Not the cheese! Anything but the cheese!”
“Oh, my God, Harry. I never thought I’d see this. Is this what I think I’m seeing? Death by cheese slicer? Shit, man. Hey, can you pass me a cracker?”
But, I’m pulling a Marcellus Wallace and I’m about to get medieval on mah ass, baby. What does this mean to you? A disconnected Steff for a couple days, but ultimately, a new, improved, better Steff! Now comes in cherry flavour, too!
My mind’s been in a fog. Back when I was smoking dope chronically, I could blame the dope. When you quit being chronic, though, and you’re still in a fog months later, you need to ask questions. Me, I’m a crystal-clear kinda gal. I’m used to being razor sharp, able to argue anyone on anything, always ready to go. THIS feels weird. I feel like one of those people you see underwater, trying to talk. Bubbles come out but sound’s a murky mess, just tonal variations, and nothing with any semblance to clarity.
Ever notice that; that how you feel drastically affects all your relationships in your life? You’re less able (less wanting) to communicate how you feel? Less able to put a finger on it? More muddled in your speech? More easily confused? Check, check, check, and check.
I know what’s good about my writing, I think — or at least I know what it is that I like, and it’s my tendency to be open, introspective, and astute. I don’t feel like I’m able to be those things these days, so how I’m feeling is literally changing who I am. And the funny thing is, I’m not falling over sick or anything. I’m not debilitated, I’m not chained to a bed, or taking tons of drugs. I’m just “off.” It’s time to flip the switch.
I guess that one of the hardest things we can do in our lives is admit that we’re not happy with who we are. I’m more or less content with who I am, but these days I’m not happy about it. It’s not a negative thing, this feeling I have now. This is really freeing, actually. Realizing where your problems or lack of satisfaction stem from can be a means of unlocking yourself and promoting change. I feel like I’m on the verge of exciting times. I feel like all this grief I’ve been going through has been solely to remind myself that there’s something better around the corner, but I need to motivate myself to bridge that distance. Like I say, finding that motivation is always a challenge, but when it hits… whoomp, there it is.
And it doesn’t matter what you’re hiding from — maybe you drink too much, maybe you smoke too much, maybe you’re dishonest with friends — who cares. Deep down inside, you know you’re fucking up. You KNOW you’re the source of your own problems, but admitting it’s like stabbing a fork in your eye; you could do it, but why the fuck would you?
Of course, I’m not advising you stab a fork in your eye, but a little honesty with the self’s not a bad way to start a day, you know. What do you least like about yourself? Why? And is it so hard to change that? What’s the obstacle? Is there a way to change the difficulty factor in that?
I like me. I’m a good time to be around when I’m on my game. These days, I’ve been flat and listless and I just feel a world away from the gal I know I am. It’s a diet thing. Tomorrow, a hardcore detox begins for a few days. This means, I’m gonna be unpleasant. Expect rants. Expect grumpiness. And then, I’ll be back in black, back to cool, all that I wanna be, and more. I’ll be like a fucking Army ad, man.
Know what I love most about self-analysis, though? I save myself $120 an hour. Fuck shrinks. I own a mirror. Have an awesome weekend. I’ll be sitting over here, jealous, drinking lemon juice and wishing it was a beer.

8 thoughts on “We Interrupt The Regularly Scheduled Broadcast…

  1. Romantic Perv

    Ma’am, drop the cheese and step away from the slicer.

    Looking forward to seeing you “on your game” completely. Hope you can able to find your razor sharp self once again.

    Dont bogart that lemon juice–pass it over..

    Reply
  2. scribe called steff

    Giggle.

    Yeah, I’ll get back to myself. Nothing’s ever kept me from it for too long before. I’m not the least bit cynical about the attempts I’m about to undertake. Quite the contrary.

    Reply
  3. "L'état, c’est moi."

    Your self-described feeling underwater sense almost word for word a classic symptom of clinical depression.

    However, good luck with the dietary changes. 🙂 I’m sure you’ll let us know how it goes!

    Reply
  4. Anonymous

    Hey Steff: You just gotta make up your fucking mind to do it. I’m off ciggs for the frirst time in 55 years, wow, do I feel better and it gets better every day. I have to admit I puff about a half of joint every day or so, that keeps me sane and cheaper than Prozac. Hang with it Steff. Love Richard P.S. been almost six months

    Reply
  5. scribe called steff

    L’etat — Thanks, Freud. 😛

    I’ve been mildly depressed off and on for awhile, but it’s not anything too deep. I have bad days, but I also have a lot of good days and good moments, so I think I’m just Normal, with a capital N.

    EVERYTHING I have/feel/experience is actually all symptomatic of Candida, actually, so I think it’s just all interconnected and I have faith that confronting diet changes on the long term will change everything with time.

    The underwater thing is more how my body feels, just kind of devoid of feeling and like everything’s a struggle, ‘cos I’m always a little tired. It can be as much a physical thing as it is a sense of hopelessness, and I don’t have the latter.

    Reply
  6. Haaaaaaa

    Cool. I hope you find what you need. Responsibility for one’s own self is something that is, unfortunately, becoming extinct these days.

    What you described worked for me in spades. I changed my food lifestyle and it made a big difference in how I felt in all aspects of my life. The dope thing for me came soon after college, I couldn’t function the way I wanted to, so I gave it up.

    In the meantime, I’ll look to your rants. Sorry, but I find grumpy Steff to be just a wee bit funny. Your rants are first class all the way.

    Reply
  7. scribe called steff

    Heh. Well, the rants are never gonna go away, I LOVE ranting. I just don’t want them to be the only thing I write, that’s all. 🙂

    I always says, ranting’s cheaper than therapy.

    Day one of the detox begins now. By noon I’ll have a “What, no COFFEE?” headache.

    As for dope, the problem is, I function JUST FINE on dope. Always did. I’m not quitting dope, I just don’t want it to be a lifestyle again anytime soon. It does limit my productivity in general, but I’ll tell ya, I friggin’ love writing on the stuff. I’m funnier on dope. Sigh. 🙂 Oh, well. I’ll get by. Heh.

    Reply
  8. texami

    good luck with this… can’t wait to hear how it goes. i’m doing a bit of a self wake-up call myself. same basic issues… i’ve called it feeling ‘blah’, but it’s gone on long enough, and i’m taking myself back.

    one big thing that helps my body feel better is exericse… which leads to better sex, which makes the whole thing seem worth it!

    i just started a new addiction… blogs. hopefully reading and writing will take up a lot of my time previously devoted to bad habbits.

    Reply

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