Why women sometimes fake orgasm

Because you won’t listen to us
when we say it’s not going to happen for us.
Because you don’t believe us
when we say it’s fine for you to come without us.
Because we don’t want to hurt your feelings
those times you’re trying so hard to please us.
Because you usually can’t tell.
Because we feel like failures when we can’t.

32 thoughts on “Why women sometimes fake orgasm

  1. nofixedaddress

    You’re only hurting yourselves when you do that……unless that’s the last time for that person!

    On second thought, it’s how females communicate…say one thing, but mean another. So I guess it’s natural.

    And females wonder why males have a hard time following and listening to the female advice?

    Reply
  2. scribe called steff

    Wow. Get laid much?

    That’s a pretty backwards attitude.

    Faking doesn’t happen that often, but when it does, it’s because of the above reasons. Because saying something hasn’t been working. There are a lot of guys who think they’re Mr. Loverman and DAMMIT, You’ll COME Because I’m Playing With You! Enthusiasm does not make us orgasm. Working us for too long makes it sometimes IMPOSSIBLE to orgasm.

    Most of the time, when a chick fakes, the guy can’t even tell. It ain’t hurting anything. It’s keeping his ego intact, and letting her get rest. STILL, I do not recommend it.

    You want to talk about ignorance, then look at yourself with your comment. Not all women don’t communicate, not all women say one thing and mean another.

    Sexism is just so… unappealling.

    Reply
  3. kablammo

    hey there, someone just introduced me to your blog..interesting stuff…ever heard of the Canadian movie “Lie With Me”…something tells me you’d dig it.

    Reply
  4. Justin

    I agree with Steff that men basically can’t tell a fake from a real orgasm, but I also agree with nofixedaddress (though without the hostility).

    Unless the person you’re with is someone you won’t be sleeping with again (in which case faking it is expedient), then it’s probably worth one of those difficult communication moments to stop things and say “look, seriously, I’m not going to have an orgasm, and you need to deal with that.”

    A lot of what you’ve written earlier is about the things that men *need* to learn–this is one of them, and it’s probably easier to establish this early in the relationship. It’s a much more painful lesson to learn later on that you’ve been faking, even only occasionally. That goes right to his self-esteem as a lover, and becomes a big trust issue.

    If it seems expedient to fake, then you’ve got a much bigger communication issue between you.

    Reply
  5. scribe called steff

    I’ve heard of it, and haven’t seen it. Canadian movies are good fun, most of the time, if not a tad quirky.

    -s.

    Reply
  6. dirtylittlegirl

    I used to fake when I was younger especially when the boy had no clue as to what the hell he was doing.
    Now that I’m much older and wiser, faking isn’t necessary. On those occassions where it’s just not going to happen, it just doesn’t, no hard feelings, no big deal. Sex, regardless of cumming or not, is always a pleasureable thing especially when you’ve found the right partner.

    Reply
  7. scribe called steff

    Justin — You know, I totally agree with you. I posted this to try and stir up some controversy. I intend to write about it in depth next week or something.

    But I disagree with the act of doing it, and I would probably not ever do it in a relationship again — I’m too open with my lovers to bother. A one-night stand, sure.

    But yes, buddy up top was a bit of a dick about it, in my opinion, but I do agree it’s a shitty way for women to operate.

    I think, though, that a lot of women maybe do it out of frustration when their men just refuse to give up. Guys need to learn that if we’re saying it’s no go, we fucking well know it ain’t gonna happen. Put the pride aside and deal. That’s all.

    Anyhow, yes, trying to stir up shit with this post. (I’m so bad.)

    And what I’d REALLY LIKE TO SEE are comments and questions from men that explore this topic a bit, so I can address those in the posting.

    Have at me. Heh. 🙂

    Reply
  8. scribe called steff

    Jeez, every time I save a comment, there’s another.

    DLG — Yep. Older chicks don’t bother, for some reason, I don’t think. I think it’s a younger woman thing, and may have to do with orgasms being so difficult to obtain in youth. Who knows.

    But yeah, I really don’t care if I orgasm every time. I’m not a guy, it doesn’t leave me in discomfort if I don’t get off. I enjoy the experience, not the outcome.

    Reply
  9. Justin

    I’m a bit sensitive on this topic because I went through a period of paranoia when I realized I couldn’t tell the difference. I started going over my history and thinking “was she faking? What about her?”

    Then I was with another women and asked “am I doing this right?”

    “Yeah, no, that’s fine. That feels great. Keep going.”

    gaaaah!

    Here’s a question. I’ve faked once. Would you be able to tell?

    Reply
  10. scribe called steff

    With chicks, if they’re faking, they won’t have that upperbody flush, and their genitals won’t be too sensitive to touch — most of the time.

    As for a guy faking, I really don’t know if I could tell, honestly. I confess ignorance on that topic, so, you know, enlighten me as much as you’d like.

    And I feel your pain about non-communicative, apathetic lovers. Nothing pisses me off more. Everyone’s got to say what they want, what they like.

    But as you saw from my rant on The Kid, not every guy wants to hear what he’s doing wrong. For every guy like you, there’s a guy who’s the opposite. Don’t forget that.

    Reply
  11. Justin

    If you ever have a Cunting Linquist drinking night for your readers, the topic suggests an interesting game: The men line up on one side of the table, the women on the other. Each woman appears to have an orgasm, and the men have to write down who faked, and who didn’t.

    I have no clue how you’d verify the results, though. Perhaps you could make the women stand up afterwards and look at the seat of their chairs 🙂

    Reply
  12. Anonymous

    I can relate.

    When my boyfriend wants to have sex, he kisses me for a couple of minutes, then leaves the room to find a condom, telling me to undress. Returning, he immediately starts touching my pussy. If it isn’t wet, he goes ahead anyhow, or gets upset about it. Still not wet? He gives up, demanding a blowjob instead.

    Too bad I can’t fake being turned on.

    -Just Another Frustrated Female

    Reply
  13. Knattyb

    Why men sometimes fake orgasms:

    People are too fragile.
    Like a christmas present returned, the
    feeling of inadequacy can kill
    a person, or worse,
    the mood.

    Trading glow for grief.
    Nothing is worse than spending those
    few precious moments of
    post-coital bliss
    trying to console your lover
    over the death of her ego.

    It’s not going to happen.
    Relax
    and lay with him
    sweat-soaked and entwined.

    [sorry for stealing your kool-aid]

    Reply
  14. scribe called steff

    Anon — Honey, I think you need to shop around. Dude’s got to clue the fuck in. If he doesn’t, well.

    I’m not saying sex is the be-all end-all of a realtionship, but you need to look at behaviour as being selfish/generous/etc, and your man’s a selfish, selfish man. What does it say about him elsewhere in his life? Is that accurate? You might wanna take some time to think about that.

    Knatty — You can steal my Kool-Aid anytime you want. 🙂

    Like I says, no orgasm’s fine in my world. Not ALL the time, mind you, but some of the time. Grown-up lovers understand these things. Selfish, petulant ones do not.

    Reply
  15. Justin

    The problem for women is much the same as the problem for men in detecting a fake: so much of the physical ‘proof’ is lost in the larger act of fucking. If it’s dark and he’s wearing a condom that he removes and disposes of afterwards, you really can’t tell. For men, it’s even easier, actually, since there’s little expectation of porn-style screeching at the moment of climax.

    And all of the same communications problems and trust issues apply.

    Likewise, women’s egos can be as fragile to constructive criticism as men’s (thank you, KnattyB).

    Reply
  16. kablammo

    i’m a dude, see? 32 years old. i used to care about whether a girl was faking it or not, but now i realize women sometimes DON’T ORGASM. ~SHOCK~ no big deal. it was a big deal back when i thought “hmmm, i bet she wouldn’t have trouble cumming if she was getting pounded by some dude with a rhinoceros dick”…but i’ve even changed my thinking on that too. sex is great, and shouldn’t be fucked up by thinking about it too much.

    i’m not sure if i made my point. hell, i’m not sure i even had a point.

    Reply
  17. scribe called steff

    kablammo — considering the majority of chicks can’t vaginally orgasm, i doubt mr. rhinodick would’ve accomplished any more than that. heh. but yeah, once guys learn about women’s physiology and the complications many women face with sexual repression, hangups, et al, well… they tend to lose the ego problems with getting chicks to orgasm. then sex gets more fun. then chicks orgasm. funny how it works.

    justin — yeah, it’s a big topic. it’s why i wanted to crack the door open in this manner. 🙂

    Reply
  18. Roscoe

    Damn…I used to wonder all the itme about whether she was faking or not but then I realized she was having sex with me…I should just enjoy the moment…

    Sadly it took 33 years to figure that out …it took a woman who was comfortable with herself to finally give me the direction I was looking for to give her what she really wanted…because believe it or not, no two women are even close 🙂

    That in itself is one of the most attractive quality’s women have…

    I’ll take lying in a pool of sweat and exhaustion over a fake orgasm anytime 🙂

    Reply
  19. Anonymous

    Steff,

    The sad part is, in every other aspect of our relationship, he’s amazing. He is thoughtful, generous, chivalrous, kind, and a wonderful friend. He is even romantic and constantly concerned about my needs and wants. It’s just in bed where things fall apart.

    -Just Another Frustrated Female

    Reply
  20. sartre

    I agree with roscoe, if your lover is concerned more with you than their own ego, they will respect your moods, quirks, hang ups, etc. Orgasm is an incredible bonus, but sweat and exhaustion are the wages of love.

    I also have some snark for nofixedaddress. Your comment reminds me of a misogynist coworker who went on a rant about female honesty saying, “I don’t tell lies, I ain’t no woman.” Two seconds later the nicest and prettiest woman in the office responds, “You’re not?” Whole office collapses in laughter.

    Stupid is as stupid does.

    Reply
  21. me

    I used to fake it all the time with my ex boyfriend (when I was like 21, I’m 26 now). I just … I thought there was something wrong with me. I could get myself off in 30 seconds, but I’d try so hard to get him to touch me right, and then it was back to his usual routine. It was frustrating as Hell. Everytime we were done fooling around, he’d ask “Did you go?”

    I never did, but I always lied. I figured it’d come when we saw each other more than once a month (damn you, LDRs!). That never happened.

    Nowadays, if what a guy’s doing isn’t doing it for me, I’ll take things into my own hands.

    Sometimes you’re just not going to come, though, and I agree, that’d be reason enough to fake again …

    Reply
  22. Mad Coyote

    I was fortunate enough to figure it out at 25; then again, I can’t say I really worried about it too much. (Which may sound really shallow- but back then everything seemed to be going well and they seemed to be enjoying themselves…)

    Then I had one lover who claimed that she just could not orgasm, not vaginally, not clitorally, not anyway. But she still wanted sex – for the intimacy factor.

    It took some getting use to, but I now understand that sometimes it’s not going to happen, and, in my experiences, it’s usually when she’s craving intimacy over orgasm. Which I’m happy to oblige.

    Reply
  23. scribe called steff

    Roscoe — Yep, that’s the secret to staying sane: Every body is different, what worked on the last lover is likely to not do the same trick on this one. It’s why people NEED to talk. Sex without conversation about what you’re doing right or wrong is about as stupid as trying to find your way to Timbuktu without a fucking compass, but sadly the masses have missed the memo. That’s why I’m here. 🙂

    J.A.F.F. — How old are you guys, if you don’t mind my asking? And you’re able to orgasm solo and such? I think your loverboy needs a good book on how to get women off. I don’t know what to recommend, though, right now. I wonder if buying him a book and flat-out telling him you love everything about him except how he demonstrates his love for you physically. I think you’ve got to be blunt and tell him it ain’t working — and tell him NEXT time that he doesn’t get a fucking blowjob, that if you have to work for him, then he’d better work for you. And why aren’t your condoms right next to the bed, anyhow? People who keep them in the bathroom mystify me. I have ’em in my living room and in my bedroom, so the mood never needs to spoil.

    Sartre — I love sweaty messes! They rock. Thanks for tackling the bonehead, nice story.

    TGiC — Good point. We fake because we’re feeling self-conscious, like we’re the problem, too. I should add that to this posting. Taking things in your own hands is always good, and guys who are man enough to handle it will probably always get off watching you do so. You can always give them a vibrator or something so they can get in on the fun, too.

    MC — ‘Cos intimacy rocks. Cuddling, just spooning, all these things are awesome, but having sex just to be closer to them is very, very romantic, too, and passionate, and the orgasm is only icing on the cake.

    Funny, daytime I get the most comments between 9-10a.m. and 12-1:30-p.m. Lunchtime voyeurs.

    Reply
  24. scribe called steff

    J.A.F.F. — Another option is to buy something like the Sexplorations DVDs from Bettersex.com and watch them with your partner — very hot footage, but it teaches you everything about fucking, and maybe your boy might get more inspired visually. Hmm… You could take some dirty photos of yourself, too, heh, and print ’em off on the computer and slip them into the book when you give it to him, and tell him that’s his “motivation.” Who knows. How do you clue the clueless man in? I really don’t know. It surprises me sometimes when they’re so hestitant to do anything.

    (All I know is, never underestimate the power of sex in a relationship. There are friends, and there are lovers, and you always need to decide who it is you’re with and what it is you need. The choices are difficult at times, but yeah, don’t tell yourself you’re a bad person for thinking you deserve more sexually than your partner’s willing to provide. We guilt-trip the shit out of ourselves about that, and it’s wrong.)

    Reply
  25. figleaf

    I know this is gonna sound funny but I used to fake it from time to time too and for the same reasons. It’s actually easier than you might think during vaginal intercourse anyway, not least because it’s so expected that guys are just gonna come that nobody goes looking for evidence.

    And like you I’ve never minded because can take matters into my own hands either there or later. And If I just wanted an orgasm I could stay home and do that myself. Intead I have sex because I enjoy *sex!* It feels good, it’s fun, it’s sociable, personal, intimate, great exercise, emotional, mental, and… I don’t have to be explaining this do I? It’s obvious.

    I don’t fake it anymore (maybe ’cause I’m older too???) and I’d *definitely* prefer that a partner told me she didn’t unless she really did. Still, I understand that feeling of not wanting to disappoint.

    Camogirl’s got exactly the right idea: anybody who’s partner is having a hard time shouldn’t feel at all bad if she or he takes matters into her own hands. Neither should anyone feel at all bad handling it ourselves. And you’ve got it exactly right that penile/vaginal intercourse isn’t a very efficient way to reach women in the right spots but, and here’s the deal, *she usually enjoys it anyway* as long as her partner’s not being a dick.

    Finally, the only real problem is when your partner doesn’t even bother to try. For whatever reason.

    Thanks for stirring this up, Steff. I look forward to your full post.

    figleaf

    Anyway, great post, Steff. Thanks for stirring things up.

    Reply
  26. scribe called steff

    I don’t think it’s a “too old” thing, Fig, just a maturity thing. You know it’s stupid and pointless, so why bother?

    As a younger lover, it’s just different. Understandable, still questionable, but understandable for sure.

    Reply
  27. Dirty Debbie

    Yes, as with everyone, I was once young and stupid.
    Then I had an ephinany, and I now go by this motto:
    “Life’s to short to fake it”
    It applies to more things than just sex.

    Reply
  28. scribe called steff

    absolutely, debbie. a fine damned motto.

    besides, there’s something really rewarding about both winding up in a sweaty mess, not satiated, but totally content with just being with each other. it’s really quite delicious in and of itself.

    Reply
  29. Anonymous

    Steff,

    We’re young… early twenties. We have been together several years, but only started having sex about a year ago. I masturbate frequently and have no problems getting turned on or getting off.

    He keeps the condoms in his closet along with the sex toys and other like items.

    I think, honestly, it just never occurs to him that it might take a little more for me to get turned on than it does for himself. Really, we kiss once or twice and he’s hard… not that he isn’t sexy, but it just takes a little more for me. I wish he would slow down and just linger for a while.

    The book idea might work, though both of us pretty much have a disinterest in watching porn. Since we’re both writers, I thought about possibly writing a fictional scenario for him of how I might like things to go and giving it to him. Any thoughts on that?

    It’s just so sad, because everything else romantically is amazing. He knows his table etiquette, *grin* always remembers special occasions, and treats me like a princess. I can’t see not being with him, so my best bet is to fix this problem somehow. But, I don’t want to insult his masculinity by saying he isn’t good with me sexually.

    ~J.A.F.F.

    Reply
  30. scribe called steff

    (Hey, does he go down on you?)

    I really don’t know if there’s any way you can get around being blunt about it. You can certainly try. If writing is his strong point, and clearly yours, maybe expressing it in the form of a letter might be the way to go.

    Books, one of the best on sex for both genders is Paul Joannides’ Guide to Getting it On.

    This is why I tell people they need to talk about sex before they have sex. When it goes undealt with for so long, it becomes a painful thing to find out. I was watching Leno the other night and a chick called her boyfriend on television to say she’d been faking it 6 out of 10 times. I couldn’t believe he got the news that way, but that’s the problem.

    Eventually, the guy’s probably gonna think, “Fuck, why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Most men react that way. Most women are scared of hurting their feelings. It’s a vicious fucking cycle. Guys, their pride gets hurt and then they get over it. Most men are competitive enough to want to put an end to that inadequacy in a hurry.

    And these DVDs I’m talking about are not porn, they’re erotica. There is a world of difference. A world. But hey. 🙂

    Whatever you do, you need to do it soon.

    Maybe making a list, something poetic and beautifully written, that says “All the things I love that you do to and for me,” and then “All the things I wish you would do.” And give him a book.

    Now, depending whether he’s the kind of guy who likes detailed explanations and user guides and stuff, this might work for you. You get a book that works for YOU. Find something that says all the things you’d love to experience. Get Post-It note pagemarkers. Find the sections that turn you on. Tab them with the pagemarkers. Get a highlighter and highlight the first line of the section you want him to read. Put little notes inside on Post-It notes saying why the thought of that excites you.

    Then write what you’ll do to him in return. You can annotate on the note what corresponding page of the book THAT trick’s gonna be. “Then when you’ve finished licking and nibbling me until I can’t take it anymore, I’ll pin you down and perform — turn to page 94.” And highlight the passage there.

    I think that way could be a real hoot, and I’ve never thought of it before now, but it’s playful without hurting anyone’s feelings. If that fails, then you’ve got to get fucking blunt and say what you really feel.

    But if you don’t pepper it with enticing little notes, it could come off as cold and callous. The notes make the exercise a game, a tease. It becomes an intellectual form of foreplay, an expression of reward and payment for tasks performed. Pretty erotic stuff, sometimes.

    Reply
  31. scribe called steff

    (For the above exercise, I’d recommend Joannides’ book I mentioned… it’s encompassing of everything for male and female sex, and it’s written very much from a guy’s point of view, so it’ll be really helpful for you from the oral standpoint, but for him, it’ll be easily digestible and in language he can grasp.)

    Reply
  32. Anonymous

    Well….

    He does go down on me, sometimes. But he basically ventures down there and explores for five or ten minutes (which is how long it takes him to orgasm when I give him a blowjob). Then, when I haven’t orgasmed by that point, he just stops, and does something else.

    I try to give subtle clues, by moaning or moving my hips, or scratching his scalp when he’s doing something I like, but then he assumes I am having an orgasm, and stops completely.

    The book idea sounds way more like it is our speed. We both enjoy reading frequently, and writing as well. And I would be more apt to do that than to just bring it up verbally.

    ~JAFF

    Reply

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